Today’s families are more geographically dispersed than ever before, and this can create some real challenges for adult children who may find themselves in the unfortunate situation of having to remotely manage the care of an aging parent.

At One Life Consulting we work with distributed families on a regular basis, and it’s surely one of the more challenging aspects of our mission.

Helping families navigate the complex world of late-life care is tough enough when everyone is local and able to jump in and help. But having to do so without boots on the ground can be a whole different ballgame.

We’ve found that, like most things in life, preparedness is the key to successfully managing such a situation, and we advise our clients who may have elderly out-of-town parents to do some advanced planning while things are still good, and long before a crisis happens.

So, if you have elderly parents who live out of town, here are 8 things you should do NOW to better prepare for what might happen later.

Form Your Team

While things are quiet and your parents can still manage for themselves, this is the ideal time to hold a family meeting to discuss roles and responsibilities. Ideally, your parents will be involved, as will any siblings and their spouses, but we all know that family dynamics don’t always lend themselves to this sort of thing, so you’ll need to determine the best way to have this conversation with your own family.

If you’re cringing at the thought of having this type of conversation, know that you are not alone. Many families just aren’t constructed in a way that lends itself to open dialog like this, so you may need to approach the topic somewhat gently. But please don’t avoid it altogether. Just bit the bullet, reach out to whomever in your family you feel most comfortable talking to, and start strategizing.

In my experience, managing from afar works best when the team has an identified leader. Think of this person as the team’s point guard. They are the person most comfortable with the ball in their hands, and most adept at making good, quick decisions. Without an identified leader, decision making can become extremely difficult, especially in a crisis.

I see this so often that I’ve begun to ask families to identify a leader who can gain alignment across the family and broker decisions, something an outsider cannot do effectively.

Ideally this leader would have a very close, open relationship with the parents, and would be capable of driving difficult conversations with them. If this is not the case, determine who in the family comes closest to having this kind of relationship, and charge that person with being the primary parental communicator.

Many families have a de-facto financial person, who can often double as the legal person.  If your family has someone like this, consider assigning them the responsibility of working with financial advisors and legal folks. 

Everyone in the family should have a role on the team, so find something to assign to everyone involved.

Compile Information

It never ceases to amaze me how often, in times of crisis, clients find themselves scrambling to obtain information from their parents that should have otherwise been easily attained. This information may consist of copies of all important papers, Durable Power of Attorney (both financial and healthcare), Wills, financial records, mortgage records, life and health insurance information, and any other records to which it would be important for the team to have access.

Maybe it’s the team leader who gathers and retains copies of such things, or maybe there’s a designated records person. It doesn’t matter who compiles the information, so long as someone is tasked to do it.

The key here is not just to compile the information, but to understand it. You should know what your parents’ financial situation looks like, as well as their ultimate desires for late-life care. What options would they realistically be able to afford? Do they want to age in place or transition to a facility of some sort?

Some older folks already have a solid plan in place and have their financial and legal houses in order such that little crisis-time decision making is needed. In my professional experience, however, this is more the exception than the norm. Usually, this type of planning doesn’t occur until it’s too late, and some unpalatable concessions become necessary.

Build a Contact List

One of the most challenging aspects of managing a health crisis from afar is knowing who to contact for what. Make sure the team has a list handy of the phone numbers and email addresses of individuals within the parents’ locale who might be useful should a crisis occur.

This would include primary care or specialty physicians, lawyers, local friends and family, or close neighbors.

Ideally, each of these would be proactively contacted by a team member to establish communications and let them know you may someday reach out to them for help.

Perform Advanced Research

Families most often reach out to One Life Consulting once they’re already in crisis. Usually, that crisis involves a hospital discharge in which an out-of-town parent is no longer able to care for themself, and it becomes necessary to line up a support system at a moment’s notice, and from afar no less.

This is an extraordinarily challenging situation, one that can easily (and needlessly) result in a less-than-desirable outcome.

The way to avoid this is to perform some advanced research on nearby in-home care providers (both medical and non-medical) as well as Assisted Living and Skilled Nursing Facilities. Consider both cost and quality, the former attained via direct conversation with facility personnel and the latter attained by Google reviews and other research.

Make a short list of options and keep this list with the other information you’ve gathered. It will surely come in handy at some point.

Mind their Meds

I strongly recommend knowing exactly what medications your parents take regularly – both type and dosage. While they may currently have no problem taking their medications as prescribed, this can become much more challenging during times of crisis.

Quiz them often about their medications, and keep this information updated with the rest of their records. If they for some reason find themselves in an urgent health situation, be certain that all doctors and caregivers who may become involved have a full understanding of these medications.

Leverage Technology

There now exists tons of technology to help you better manage your parents’ care from afar. These range from simple “wearable” medical alert buttons, fall detectors and pill dispensers to more elaborate vital sign monitors, in-home activity tracking systems, and even AI-driven smart devices that speak gentle reminders to them. All of these should be considered based on your parents’ unique condition and situation.

The ability to communicate becomes more and more important for seniors as they age. Make sure they feel comfortable using their mobile phone, and ensure they have a dedicated private line if they live in a facility of some sort. There are plenty of video call systems out there that are specifically designed for the elderly. If they have an iPhone, encourage the use of Facetime to give them a greater sense of attachment to friends and family.

Take Care of Yourself

This is so important that I considered putting it at the top of the list. Managing your parents’ care from afar can be extremely stressful and can even cause feelings of helplessness and guilt. If there ever was a time to practice self-care, this is it!

If this resonates with you, consider signing up for “Sustenance”, our free monthly email newsletter devoted entirely to those who devote so much to others. It can’t take away the responsibilities you have, but it can help you deal with them more effectively.

Work with a Professional

Whether you are attempting to manage a parental healthcare crisis from afar or you would like to do some proactive planning, there are professionals out there who can help.  One Life Consulting specializes in this type of work and can help produce the best outcomes for your parents regardless of where in the United States they live. Don’t try to do it alone. In situations like this, you need all the help you can get.